MINing of Life

Sunday, 24 July 2011

UntitledY

If only it's snowing now.

I'd wear a thousand layers of clothing and walk on that quiet street.

Hopefully I'll reach some isolated shelter in the middle of nowhere.

Under that shelter there'll be a live band playing all that jazz and bossa nova.

I'll still be freezing cold. Somehow, the groove of the music will heat me up from within.

I will stand in front of that shelter, in the snow, watching the band, feeling the melody, replacing the lyrics with my own.

The best I can do now, in this little tropical island, is to watch the white clouds float by in that dark blue sky from the breezy balcony of my home.

If the world would just shut up for one day and let me find peace.

10:57 pm;

. . . . .

Thursday, 14 July 2011

Forgiveness?Y

Usually it's easy to just let things go and hold no grudges. I can get pissed off with some project group mates for a while, try to think from their perspective, then eventually let things be and accept the way they are.

There is however this one very thing that never seem to get out of me. Sometimes I think I have already forgiven; sometimes I recall the resentment, refreshed.

To forgive and forget. That's easier said than done.

My dad is sitting right in front of me solving a sudoku puzzle. Out of the blue. In the middle of the night.

11:18 pm;

. . . . .

Wednesday, 6 July 2011

Never peaceful mindY

When there's nothing to worry about, there's always something I'm worrying about. Let's just be pessimistic till...

11:02 pm;

. . . . .

Saturday, 18 June 2011

RegretsY

Many a times, people would say things like, "If I could re-live my life, I would have ... ... What about you?"

Change nothing. I've learnt from everyday's experiences; even understanding my reaction when someone bumps into me counts. The ups and downs, thick and thin, fun and failures; it's everything that I've been through that makes me who I am today. I don't think I suck. Neither am I that awesome. I like the way I am. Not 100%, but I still like how I am now.

I've been thinking for quite a while whether I should continue to post on my blog.

When I look back at my posts, especially those back in the hey days of secondary school, I'm sure I don't regret spending so much time writing here. At least now when I'm not so involved in school stuff, I have recorded memories here.

Sounds like I have no regrets at all. Truth is, I actually do have regrets.

This short little article I chanced upon made me found my true regret. It's something, surprisingly faced by many.

5 regrets people have on the deathbeds:

http://www.matchmovegames.com/newsarticle/5-regrets-people-have-on-their-deathbeds

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

2. I wish I didn't work so hard.

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

Well, I don't think the last 2 statements apply to me, though I did hope to have kept in touch with my childhood friends from kindergarten and dance.

The very first time I realised living to the expectation was the day I decided to have a casual chat with Karen, the school counsellor and a good friend of mine back in TK. It was Art class, but my teacher wasn't in school and the studio was locked. On my way back to the classroom, I thought it would be less boring to do my work in the PCCG room, if it was opened.

Karen was there. I was laying my work on the table. Didn't feel like doing my work. There were just me and her, in private. It was school hours, nobody would pop by PCCG room.

I told her how stressed I was. I told her how much I felt like a failure, that couldn't succeed in everything I did. I couldn't catch up quickly enough in A-Math at the beginning of Sec 3. That caused me to lack confidence in Mathematics, thus affecting my E-Maths as well. 2 subjects down and I felt out of control.

Physics was sort of affected, probably because of the calculations. Chemistry got stressed up too, partly because of Tan Kee Hoe and the pressure to pull up my Science results with Chemistry. So 1 more subject dying.

Higher Chinese classes were filled with either uninterested slackers who disrupted classes with crappy work and nonsensical acts, or super pros who didn't need much studying to do well. I was demoralising. So were my grades. There went another subject.

Art was awful. It lacked motivation. Passion was too weak to support me. I lacked knowledge of art. And when everything else didn't seem to be going smoothly, where on earth could I even find time and purpose to do well for art? Maths and science are "always the priority", aren't they?

What's worse when my council teacher was my A-maths teacher and my co-form teacher and my character education teacher. I had to face her at least 11 periods a week, excluding Exco meeting every morning, and council meetings. Sometimes she wouldn't check my work; sometimes she wouldn't punish me; sometimes she would tell the class that I had council work to do at night; sometimes she'd tell me "you know what to do". It's like a silent killer. She's nice to me but I'd been letting her down when it comes to Maths! When I had to see her in council, all I thought of were "I have no say until I do well for Maths". How sucky was that?!

Growing up in a learning environment so driven by grades, I lost my directions. I didn't dare to face the fact that if I suck at 1 thing, let that 1 thing suck itself and not drag everything else along. And forcing myself to do well in the things I couldn't was plainly to meet the expectations of others. Or it could be what I thought of as the expectations of others.

I'm so pleased and relief that I'm out of that education system. It is more free now. I have seen how grades don't mean the world. 'O' Levels was nothing but another stepping stone.

Yet at this moment, I'm still seen as a high-flyer. I don't know if I'm born with that face or it's written on my head, people always think that I'll do well in everything. Well, I take that as a compliment that those people believe in my potential. I just have to keep in mind that I shouldn't take them as expectations. People can see me however they want to, but ultimately, I'm still the one leading my own life.

12:55 pm;

. . . . .

Monday, 7 February 2011

Lunar NEW YearY

The year is absolutely new. New feelings. New way of celebrations. New people.

Where should I start from?
除夕, or New Year's Eve.
I made a trip back to TK just for a home-coming visit to see my teachers. And the first person I spoke to was, of all teachers, Mr Tan. Yes, Tan Kee Hoe. At the traffic junction. He had never ever spoken to me in such a cheerful and non-judgmental manner. So that was a total different feeling as I was always against most of his way of doing things or treating people except teaching methods. By the way, I'm still very thankful for him (my year-head then) for giving me the opportunity to take Art as a subject by opening the class despite having me as the only student.

I was quite late. The concert was long over, teachers were leaving. But I managed to catch up with Miss Tan, my art teacher, for most of the time. So we're going to visit Mrs Tan, our 前辈 or my 师母, probably next week.

Back to the family, we used to spend our 除夕 preparing home-cooked 团圆饭, with home-made yu sheng, and all the steamboat little little this and that to be cooked. However, this reunion was really special. It wasn't just a reunion dinner. My dad doesn't say it, neither do his siblings, but it was a grand welcoming of my dad to his biological family; for the very first time, he was celebrating lunar new year with his brothers and sister. And never before had we had our 团圆饭 at a restaurant. I felt the togetherness of the family, something that I had been anticipating since December last year.

After the dinner, my bro and I wanted to head down to Chinatown for a walk, which eventually we did not. The entire family ended up doing last-minute spring cleaning! Till midnight. We finally changed the 20+ years old microwave. My area cleaning covered the living room and the kids' toilet (shared by us, children of our parents) and my room. So people who felt comfy at the living room, hope you enjoyed yourself =]

除一
The routine was suppose to be:
1. Dad's first sister
2. Dad's second sister
3. Dad's sworn God-brother
4. Mum's second aunt
5. Hwa Yew

Due to the missing of 2, we had to skip that.
We decided to postpone 3 till day 2 because we had to go Dad's second brother's place for lunch.
姨婆二 (say that in Hainanese) passed away last year which explains why 4 is gone from the routine list.

This year's routine is like... ok, we have a few must-go places at certain time, so the rest is just slot-in. Don't get what I mean? Never mind. So,
1. Dad's first sister
2. Dad's cousin
3. Dad's second brother
4. Dad's other God-brother, and his sisters
5. Hwa Yew

1. The place seems quieter as the old folks become lonelier. We happened to meet their eldest son and family, but sadly, they stayed for probably 10 minutes or so then left in a hurry. The way he gave his father the red packet, was like giving a packet of tissue, no sincerity. They were quite anti-social too. It's probably the second or third time I met them besides the passing of my grandmother. Total coldness.

2. We usually visit Uncle Foo on the second day. But due to the change of routine, his place was "on the way", so we decided to give it a try. And truly, he's always out on day one. Tough luck.

3. Dad's second brother, Uncle Richard's (not that I call him that) place was at Punggol, the newer type of flats. That's where Lenny, his son who's 14 years my senior in ADM, stays with his dog, Fei Fei. Dad's first brother, Uncle Eddie (I don't call him that either), is a great cook. So he dished out very simple but extremely heart-warming home-cooked sweet potato porridge meal. There was the previous day's 盆菜 which was still very tasty, luncheon meat with eggs!, and preserved vegetable.

I got to chat a little with Lenny, Uncle Richard and Uncle Sey Thong, the fourth brother. One question I posted out which had been itching inside me was: DID YOU ALL (the cousins) ALREADY KNOW ABOUT HAVING ANOTHER UNCLE ALL ALONG OR JUST AT THE GRANDFATHER'S WAKE?
The answer: They knew it all along.
That speaks a lot. It speaks about the significance of my dad to the Foo family. It's a missing piece of puzzle which no matter where you look at the whole almost-completed puzzle, there's still this missing piece which makes it incomplete.
Dad thought that the kids wouldn't know about him, but they did. I was touched.

The uncles also told me how they used to frequent the coffee shop where my dad lived in but was alway chased away by my grandmother. haha... exactly like what dad said.

4. Initially, we planned to visit him at Simei because it's "on the way" from Punggol back home. After making a call, he told us he was heading to his sister's place at Dakota, so that became our destination. New place, new people. Not really new, but I didn't notice them at grandmother's wake.

It's interesting to hear stories from my dad's past and the people he met. It's sad, though, that as they get older, they get weaker and more prone to illnesses. Dad's god-brother suffered a stroke.

5. At Hwa Yew, we have been changing our activities yearly for the past few years. When we were still little kids, we used to run around, play with firecrackers, have ball games, then it shifted to card games, then mahjong. Now, everyone has grown old =( I mean we're no longer little kids anymore. The last reunion, there was only one baby from the new generation. This year, there were three, but the eldest didn't turn up. We are all uncles and aunties now!

Most of the time, I was with Paul! He's very intelligent and extremely adorable!!! Initially, he was just fussing around with the food. Then we had him to do what he liked best, PEELING ORANGES!!! Soooooo cute! And my dad challenged the 2-year-old to peel a pomelo, which he did a great job with intense focus! Bravo to this little active boy.

Something I kind of regret was to have a good chat with my cousins. I have always been quiet over the years because of the gap. The line-up of the cousins is like this:

Male
Female
Female
Female
Female
Female
.
.
.
Female
Male
Male
Male
.
.
.
Male
Female

And sadly, I'm the last girl, so all of my female cousins have passed their mid-twenties and I haven't been talking to my male cousins. It's really difficult to open up all over again. Moreover, everyone else talks about work, finance, engineering, army, business... once you talk about art and design, they kind of switch off. I just feel that the gap is widening. It's really aching as most of us meet only once a year.

As we all get older and with new arrivals, dinner ended earlier than usual. I guess it's going to be the same next year. The older folks got to rest, my generation's energy level isn't as high as before, and the little babies need to have sufficient recharging time before they get hyperactive again.

除二
1. Dad's sworn god-brother
2. Dad's cousin

1. Uncle was excited to see us, as usual. He exclaimed that he was expecting us the previous day. "There were so many people! And I prepared a lot of food!" Immediately, he heated and prepared more food for us! Before you knew, we were having our lunch at 11am. It was oh so scrumptious! Very home-cooked heart-felt food too.

Lesson learnt, we MUST visit him on the first day or he'll be disappoint again.

2. At Uncle Foo's place, we met Biao Yu. The last time I saw him was so many years ago! When I was still a primary school girl, I guess! Managed to catch up with him and watch his little boy play with his care bear and spongebob =]

And the question of the day was directed at my brothers and me: 有 girlfriend/ boyfriend 了没有?
oh well ...

3. Part three wasn't part of new year visiting. It so happened to be Vivian's birthday. Hui Min asked if I wanted to join the party to give Vivian a surprise. I was there for a while before I went down to River Ang Bao to meet my parents. Apparently by the time I reached, they were done walking around so we headed to Marina Bay Sands.

除三
1. SLC/NYC reunion lunch
2. ADM classmates new year dinner cum Cheryl's birthday

1. It's the third time I'm holding SLC reunion meal at my place but we had another member, Edwin Peter, this year. I happened to see his Facebook post asking who's free on that day, so I invited him over. Really glad to see all my council pals =] I just like seeing them. It reminds me so much of the times we has to see one another every morning for council meeting then morning assembly and podium duty. Not to forget the non-councilors in SLC, the memories from Hong Kong will never be erased from my brain. Love you peeps deep deep down, just that I don't say it out.

2. My classmates! These bunch of people are my closest friends in TP. It's a pity that a few of them couldn't turn up. Other than that, that night was awesome! We all love food, so obviously they had to have a wonderful time at Pang Chiaw Min the foodie's house.

I apologies if I wasn't a good-enough host 'cause maybe my energy was sort of drenched with so much preparations.

And I'm so proud to say that this year, I prepared everything without my mum's help. All she did was to sit down and eat! =] Special thanks to Si Yuan for being early to help wash the vegetables and 二哥 for all the little things you did.

I was so so tired, I fell asleep without showering =X goodness.

This Lunar New Year of 2011, I felt the warmth in kinship, the chill in "distancing relationships", the energy in young generation, the cosiness of old faces, the anticipation of strengthening bonds and the joy of coming together.

12:06 am;

. . . . .

Monday, 3 January 2011

Better UnderstandingY

It's been a long time since my last post. Many things happened. Desicions were made. Somehow when they coincided and fell nicely chronologically, I started learning a lot, espcially about myself.

2010 was extremely fulfilling. I wouldn't say it was happening though.

Being bored of the long holidays thus deciding to look for a temporary job.
My first job days in Noel and Humming.
Getting into a course I longed to get into since primary school.
Settling down in design school while juggling with a CCA - Dragon Boat.
Being lost and unable to perform to my best both academically and in my CCA.
Racing at Singapore River Regatta 2010 for TP.
Deciding to focus more on school work hence opting out of TPDB.
Reuniting with an extended family - my dad's biological family.
Spending time with my sister and Fred; being the first to know their future plans to shift to Singapore.

Most importantly, by the second block of semester 2, I felt fully empowered to face all challenges from the upcoming assignments, just like how I initially started off as a newbie to design school.

I've learnt a lot. About life. About my life. About me.

If not for my first job days, I would have found it difficult to understand how to start afresh as a freshman in a new environment. I wouldn't know how to speak confidently in a phone conversation too.
If not for the projects in school, I wouldn't have seen how powerful I was in managing my ideas, my team mates and my presentations.
If not for Dragon Boat, I wouldn't have the courage and determination to pull through all the hardships for my school work. Of course, I wouldn't have seen the physically tougher side of myself.
If not for leaving Dragon Boat, I wouldn't have more time with my family members, especially when my biological grandfather passed away, meeting with the Foo family and being with my sister when she was back in Singapore.
If not for being in ADM, I would continue to dress badly, have low self-esteem, not have the eye for aesthetic appeals, and be poor shopper with low understanding of products.

Stepping out of being extremely enthusiastic about school happenings, always taking the lead, and constantly being in the front line is like stepping out of the rushing crowd, glaring at people's feet, evaluating how many times a single square tile is being trampled on every second.

Today is the first day of yet another block. 9 o'clock class ended by 9.45am. I strolled along Bedok Reservoir and sauntered my way home. As I looked at the kayakers paddling in the waters, I do know how much I miss rowing in a Dragon Boat. Then the cool wind blew, diverting my direction to the rattling leaves on the trees. Trees never fail to inspire me, in terms of the details of the texture of the bark, the colours, or the values one can draw from the growth of a tree.

People should grow like trees, standing stronger and getting wiser every year. At the same time, trees are still close to mother nature, protecting her, enhancing her beauty. That's the purpose of trees.

What about my purpose in life?
It used to be to bring joy to people.
Then it evolved to becoming a great designer who designs clothes for the rich, scoop out all those cash to safe the less fortunate.

But now, I just want to live life the way a human being should. Become stronger mentally, emotionally, intellectually, maybe physically. Embrace the nature of living. Enjoying life is not a way of extravagant living; it's understanding the purpose of life. IT IS PRACTICAL. Most people have lost this understanding, that's why researchers are constantly proving that our way of living is destroying our own habitat.

Nobody can tell when exactly the earth will evolve again. Likewise, nobody can tell when exactly my life will end. Making the fullest of my life would be my greatest satisfaction.

I'm in search of my new purpose. 2011 will be just as wonderful.

5:05 pm;

. . . . .

Saturday, 20 November 2010

What's upY

Basically, nothing is really going up.

It has been 1 month, or 1 block in the design timetable.

Dragon Boat
I took part in my very first race at Singapore River Regatta. All those trainings I dragged myself to, all those hardships I forced myself through, were for this race. I wanted to understand the feeling of racing, the ultimate game of dragon boating.

I was very sure that from the moment the starter exclaimed, "Are you ready? Attention! *honk*" till the finish line, I treasured every split second of the race, every stroke I pulled, every cheer we had in the boat.

But after all these that I'd been through, the question that had been putting me in a dilemma came to me directly, face-to-face: Am I able to commit for the next race?

12:35 am;

. . . . .

Saturday, 9 October 2010

Who am I?Y

A video posted on TP Dragon Boat Women's team by dear team mate Jackie set me thinking who I am?

The same questions keep me pondering every morning when I wake up.
The questions are for me to know, so are the answers to them.

Dragon boat taught me to persevere, bite on, do my best in everything that I'm doing, control my mentality (mind over body), be determined.

How would it be like without dragon boat?

My brother's love for archery is incomparable to how much love I have for dragon boat. Archery at one point of time was his life. I don't think I can ever treat a sport like that.

At every phase of my life, every segment in it, it is a redefinition of myself. I've never been this strong, physically, in my life; but can I be sensitive yet strong emotionally like I used to be again?

Yes, I am a Champion. in what?
What I had achieved back in TK were the past; I was a somebody then and a nobody now. What do I have to prove to others of my potential now?

9:48 pm;

. . . . .