Many a times, people would say things like, "If I could re-live my life, I would have ... ... What about you?"
Change nothing. I've learnt from everyday's experiences; even understanding my reaction when someone bumps into me counts. The ups and downs, thick and thin, fun and failures; it's everything that I've been through that makes me who I am today. I don't think I suck. Neither am I that awesome. I like the way I am. Not 100%, but I still like how I am now.
I've been thinking for quite a while whether I should continue to post on my blog.
When I look back at my posts, especially those back in the hey days of secondary school, I'm sure I don't regret spending so much time writing here. At least now when I'm not so involved in school stuff, I have recorded memories here.
Sounds like I have no regrets at all. Truth is, I actually do have regrets.
This short little article I chanced upon made me found my true regret. It's something, surprisingly faced by many.
5 regrets people have on the deathbeds:
1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
2. I wish I didn't work so hard.
3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
Well, I don't think the last 2 statements apply to me, though I did hope to have kept in touch with my childhood friends from kindergarten and dance.
The very first time I realised living to the expectation was the day I decided to have a casual chat with Karen, the school counsellor and a good friend of mine back in TK. It was Art class, but my teacher wasn't in school and the studio was locked. On my way back to the classroom, I thought it would be less boring to do my work in the PCCG room, if it was opened.
Karen was there. I was laying my work on the table. Didn't feel like doing my work. There were just me and her, in private. It was school hours, nobody would pop by PCCG room.
I told her how stressed I was. I told her how much I felt like a failure, that couldn't succeed in everything I did. I couldn't catch up quickly enough in A-Math at the beginning of Sec 3. That caused me to lack confidence in Mathematics, thus affecting my E-Maths as well. 2 subjects down and I felt out of control.
Physics was sort of affected, probably because of the calculations. Chemistry got stressed up too, partly because of Tan Kee Hoe and the pressure to pull up my Science results with Chemistry. So 1 more subject dying.
Higher Chinese classes were filled with either uninterested slackers who disrupted classes with crappy work and nonsensical acts, or super pros who didn't need much studying to do well. I was demoralising. So were my grades. There went another subject.
Art was awful. It lacked motivation. Passion was too weak to support me. I lacked knowledge of art. And when everything else didn't seem to be going smoothly, where on earth could I even find time and purpose to do well for art? Maths and science are "always the priority", aren't they?
What's worse when my council teacher was my A-maths teacher and my co-form teacher and my character education teacher. I had to face her at least 11 periods a week, excluding Exco meeting every morning, and council meetings. Sometimes she wouldn't check my work; sometimes she wouldn't punish me; sometimes she would tell the class that I had council work to do at night; sometimes she'd tell me "you know what to do". It's like a silent killer. She's nice to me but I'd been letting her down when it comes to Maths! When I had to see her in council, all I thought of were "I have no say until I do well for Maths". How sucky was that?!
Growing up in a learning environment so driven by grades, I lost my directions. I didn't dare to face the fact that if I suck at 1 thing, let that 1 thing suck itself and not drag everything else along. And forcing myself to do well in the things I couldn't was plainly to meet the expectations of others. Or it could be what I thought of as the expectations of others.
I'm so pleased and relief that I'm out of that education system. It is more free now. I have seen how grades don't mean the world. 'O' Levels was nothing but another stepping stone.
Yet at this moment, I'm still seen as a high-flyer. I don't know if I'm born with that face or it's written on my head, people always think that I'll do well in everything. Well, I take that as a compliment that those people believe in my potential. I just have to keep in mind that I shouldn't take them as expectations. People can see me however they want to, but ultimately, I'm still the one leading my own life.