It was phase 2 of our project. I cannot really elaborate too much information at the moment, but I realised that my old weakness is back. This weakness has since caused me to be so easily affected and emotional.
It was just simply a Dog-and-Bone game with the children, but till the very last round, as the facilitator of the game, I was judged unfair and that 1 particular group actually pulled a long face and were complaining amongst themselves, even the quietest girl who didn't even want to say a word.
I was told to try to make every group get a little token so that everyone could put a smile on their faces as they head home, but it turned out to be so disastrous that the entire group that was super active felt the injustice. Even my teammates who were in the group felt that I shouldn't have been so unfair since we're playing according to the rules of the game. Initially I just felt bad for offending the kids.
After the group photo shot, everyone headed to the small stage. Crystal asked me if I was all right. I felt really really really awful then I told her," Huh, how? How? Now they're angry with me. But my intention was just to make everyone feel happy, not to create all these. She tried consoling me, saying that she'd explained to the boy who grabbed the packet of tidbits(bone) that she couldn't hear his answer and hence gave the chance to other people. I was still blaming myself. She could see that my tears were coming our though I could feel it.
We went away from the others. We sat down and she tried to talk me out, to help me see my light again. My emotions got over me and I could stop my tears from coming out but just to hold it back before I cried too hard. This was the third time I cried with the presense of my mentor, but it's different from the other 2.
I used to cry a lot about my family matters and wonder why my brothers didn't seem like they even bother. Then I learnt to not take things too hard, and eveything would not turn out as bad as I had thought. So the same principle applies here. I was just too afraid to have made some children unhappy.
I guess it's probably all too much for me to handle, as in, I've been too demanding for perfection from myself. Maybe I used to be too successful and I keep comparing myself now and myself then. I don't know how I'm going to change, but all I have to do now is to hold myself up first before I can move on.
10:09 pm;
. . . . .
know me
littlest of the Pang Family
people call me ChiawMIN or ZhaoMIN
was from Maha Bodhi School